My Inner Worlds
Last night my friend’s mom died. I never met her, but I’ve worked side-by-side with my friend for almost six years. She called me this morning, sounding like she was in shock, and I’ve felt weepy all day. Last night I cried during yoga and had to leave before the Yin class I always take after Bikram. Thankfully Raleigh Yoga Company is an awesome studio, and Susan Heller hugged me as I tried to staunch my tears.
For a few weeks I’ve noticed the days shortening, the sun sleeping longer in the mornings. I used to like this natural cycle and the season of introversion it portends for me. I liked feeling the thinning of the veil that separates our world from what lies beyond. Halloween and Samhain are still a week away, yet I already feel the presence of our ancestors. I don’t mind the extra sensitivity, but I’m not ready to lose anyone.
My family has been fortunate in that we have not had the loss of loved ones (other than grandparents, which you expect to be on the other side when you're in your forties). All six siblings are alive and well. My parents are too, although Mom lives in an Alzheimer’s care unit. On the other hand, my friend has felt death since she was ten years old when her brother passed. She cared for her father, who had dementia, until he died. And then she lived with her ailing mother for years…until last night.
I’m not sure I want to be introverted this winter. I don’t want to live in my cave and nestle in the cocoon that has been my safe shelter for as long as I can remember. This summer changed me. I started yoga, but I’m not going to say yoga changed my life. I was already changing and found a new practice that suited the me that I’m becoming. I want to continue this new path.
I know that I need to shake the leaves off my branches like the trees do this time of year. I need to regroup and gather my energy this winter in order for spring’s beautiful blossoms to adorn my life. I just don’t know if I’ve ever had a dark time of year where I didn’t go dark inside. I intend to keep my candle alight during the coming season of change.